my hygienic accessories are out to get me--there's a plot

While preparing to go to bed I was attacked on multiple fronts by the various items I use for pre-slumber hygienic "funtivities;" they're usually funtivities because I'm probably playing an episode of The Office or rocking out to a podcast or sweet tunes, thus the actives then become fun. Tonight was The Office.

The series of seemingly coordinated events:

1) My face wash burned the heck out of my face for some strange reason

2) My floss DESTROYED my gums and left me pretty bloodied up--like baseball bat in the mouth bloodied up

3) I got mouthwash in my eye--which kind of amazed me

4) I dropped my beard trimmer on my foot

5) Tripped over my scale...

It's a conspiracy. I'm convinced. A strange conspiracy... involving Nivea ...Wah ... Procter and Gamble... and... maybe... gravity....

More details on said conspiracy as they unfold